Attachment and transitions...

The first night with Madden was hard.  (Not sure hard is a strong enough word to describe it.  Watching your son whose world has just fallen apart & sob for all he has ever known was enough to break this momma's heart.)

Every day since then has been a huge step in the right direction.  He has amazed us over and over again.  I owe so much of the credit to Madden's foster mom.  She prepared him so well for our family.  He immediately trusted us and that just doesn't seem to normally happen that quickly with other kids who are in this process. 

Madden is very social with a HUGE personality.  I'm sure that has also really helped.

There are some key things we've been told to watch for during this time of transition and attachment.

Eye contact--If the kids are feeling anxious or insecure, they usually won't give strong eye contact.  Madden has no problem with eye contact.  He will look intensely into my eyes and will hold my gaze...usually until I look away! 

Checking in--If we go to the park & he runs off to play, it's HUGE that he will look back and make sure we are watching and that he knows right where we are.  He does it every time. 

Mommy shopping--Another thing we've been told to watch for is mommy shopping.  That means, when Madden's out in public, he might want to go to strangers because he is still searching for his foster mom and is ready to go to someone else on the path to get back to her.  Madden instead will cling close to me and play with my hair (his item of choice for comfort).  He will smile and greet them, but he won't jump into their arms.

Comfort when hurt--When Madden gets hurt, he immediately seeks us out and wants comfort.  He asks for me to kiss his boo boos and will give me the biggest hugs.  That is another huge sign that he's feeling comfortable with us.

While in Korea, he would grab his shoes and coat and go to the door and want to be taken home.  It was so hard to have to turn him away from the door and keep engaging him in playtime with us.  He wanted to go back to his family.  It was tough!!  One time in Korea I put him in his Ergo carrier and he though we were finally leaving to go home.  He sobbed and sobbed when he realized he wasn't leaving us.  I put the Ergo away because I knew he thought that when he was in the carrier he thought it was time to leave.  (I actually put him back in it today for the first time since Korea.  He LOVED it and did so well...and I was able to get laundry put away while he hung out on my back!)

The first 5 weeks home, Madden spent nap time and night time in our room.  He would go to sleep well, but then cry out through the night.  Usually he would go right back to sleep, but you could tell that he just wasn't really sure where he was & was missing his home.  He will still occasionally yell out during his sleep, but it is much less now than it was when he first came home.  We've moved him into his room that he shares with Mason & I know that Tyler and I are sleeping much better now! :) 

There was one day when I was out shooting a wedding and Madden woke up from his nap.  Tyler got him dressed to take him outside to play.  He put on his cute jacket that he wore home on the airplane.  (this was about 3 weeks after he had been home.)  Madden lost it.  Huge tantrum.  Lots of sobbing.  The sight of the jacket just sent him over the edge.  I think he thought he was going to have to leave us.  That breaks my heart!  We put the jacket away & won't put it on him again.  (Don't worry Madden...you're here to stay!)

There was another time he woke up from his nap and I was the first one he saw.  He wanted NOTHING to do with me.  Nothing.  He looked at me with a look that just said he wasn't one bit happy to be with me.  It broke my heart.  He screamed at me.  He hit me.  He cried. I cried.  I wanted to just set him down and walk away until he stopped...but I knew that he needed to know that I wasn't leaving.  I stayed by his side and about 45 minutes later he finally gave in and calmed down and cuddled on my lap.  I was exhausted...but he knew I was there and wasn't going anywhere. 

Right now we are dealing with toddler tantrums.  He's definitely two! :)  But, I can chalk those up to the fact that he's a toddler and is asserting his independence. 

All in all...Madden is doing AMAZINGLY well.  He just fits in so well with our family & I am so so so so so grateful we get to be the ones to raise him.  He is such a blessing...we truly feel like the world's luckiest family.

Buddies

I turned the corner the other day and saw my two boys just hanging out together watching Robo Car Poli (a Korean cartoon).  My heart skipped a beat as I watched them just sit there together.  My boys.  Together.  Best Buddies.  One proud mom.

Whew...life is busy!!

I honestly forgot how busy life is with an almost 2 year old! He's busy, busy, busy! (which is the reason I haven't blogged! haha!) He's currently napping, so I'm going to try to tackle this before he wakes up! Madden is doing so well at home. He is such a trooper & amazes us every day. It took about a week to make the transition from Korea time to our time zone, but after the switch, things got so much better!

(uh oh. Hearing movement in the room. Wonder if he will go back to sleep??)

 I feel like I have so much to say about him, the transition, grieving...but I honestly don't know how to put it all into words at this point. His life was turned upside down and he has amazed us time and time again. We've definitely had our moments of hard grieving. One night I was so tired & I just sat and sobbed. He was sobbing because he was homesick. I was sobbing because I was just exhausted. I missed knowing what sleep and "normal" felt like. Then, I got so mad at myself for throwing a pity party when this poor kid just lost his everything.

 (it's official. He's awake.)

Whew. Diaper changed & having a snack with is brother. Must blog quickly! haha!! I'm going to blog about transitions/grieving/etc in the near future. Today I want to blog about Miles' Heaven day. It's so hard to believe that this past Sunday, April 22nd, marked 7 years since Miles went to be with Jesus. This has affected Mason much greater this year than any year previously, so we let him help plan our day. We went to the Indianapolis Zoo & met up with Uncle Travis, Aunt Wendy, Brooklyn & Isaiah. We enjoyed spending the day with them...and Mason & Millie got some much needed cousin time! Madden loved the zoo...especially the dolphins! We spent the afternoon looking at animals, watching the dolphin show, riding a roller coaster & the train, and just enjoyed making memories together. After we left Indy, we headed home & went to Monicals for dinner. It was such a great night. Mason was holding up really well, so I thought maybe he was handling the day better than I thought he would. We tucked the kids into bed and then shortly after, I heard sobbing coming from Mason's room & he was crying about Miles. I read to him a book I created for him almost 7 years ago after Miles' passed away. It was amazing to see how something I made 7 years ago fit perfectly for him right now. God took care of those details...He knew that one day this night would happen & Mason would need to hear his story. We read the book, went through the Hope chest that has Miles' stuff & watched the video that played at his funeral. For all that sent cards 7 years ago...Mason thought they were like a special treasure. Thank you for loving on my boys & on us...the love and prayers are still felt!

Here's a few photos of our day together! :) (And yes...Millie chose to wear a cheetah print shirt so she would match the cheetah at the zoo. My little fashionista!)

A Special Easter...

I can't think of anything better than getting to spend Easter with Madden in our arms. We woke up, got dressed for church, and then headed to the coffee shop to try to Face Time with some family & friends before hopping on the subway. Madden put on quite the show on face time. He's nuts! haha!!

We headed out on the subway & went to church at Onnuri English Ministry. Pastor Eddie has done so much to promote adoption in Korea & I knew I wanted to visit his church while in Korea. Our friends, Grace & JT were going & we found out that my online buddy, Jen, would be there with her family. I was so excited about spending Easter Sunday with people that I've shared laughs, tears, struggles, and overcomings with.

We were sitting in church, and a video starts to play that features Grace's dad & how adoption has impacted their family. I turned around to her and said "Did you know that this was happening?" She did, but it surprised me to see their family up on the video on stage. (Pastor Eddie is leading the Voice of Love campaign & is asking families to submit videos to show how adoption has affected their families...we really need to get one submitted now that Madden's in our arms.)

Here's the video that played:


After the video played, Pastor Eddie talked about how that family was in church today & that there were other adoptive families worshiping with them today. He then invited all of us up on stage to share our stories. After sharing our stories, He and the congregation prayed over us. It was so powerful and I just couldn't believe that this moment was happening. It was one of my very favorite parts of our trip. Celebrating Easter with fellow believers and being prayed for as we begin this next step was just so amazing.





and here's a few more pics of my little cutie on Easter! :)

Hanging out as a family

Someone woke up happy to see his Daddy on Saturday...


After a difficult night, we decided we needed a fun, family bonding day. We decided to take Madden to Pororo Park. Mason & Millie loved it there & we knew it would be something that Madden would enjoy. The park gave us a chance to sit and play together & just enjoy being a family.

We loaded up and headed out on the subway. Taking the subway was much harder with 3 kids instead of 2...this was definitely all new territory for us! Earlier in the week, we received tons of stares because we had two cute blonde haired/blue eyed kids exploring Seoul. Everyone commented on how beautiful they were and touched Millie's hair. Now we are a family with 2 blonde haired/blue eyed kids and an adorable Korean toddler. We went from being this cute family to one that was really confusing to many on the subway. We received some unwelcome stares and we could tell that there were some who were not approving of us raising one of their own. We felt it mainly from some of the older people. Some would ask "Is he Korean?" Yes. "Is he your son?" Yes! Some smiled, some did not. It was an interesting position to be in. Once on the subway, Madden charmed those all around us and had everyone laughing. He is such a social butterfly and had no problem winning everyone over.

Once we got to Pororo Park, we had so much fun watching him play with Mason & Millie in the ball pit, on the bouncing castle, and riding the train. Madden loved the train and would wave at everyone he passed by. We enjoyed getting to know our sweet boy a little better. We laughed, shared kisses and hugs, and just enjoyed a wonderful morning/afternoon together.

After Pororo Park, we decided to just go back to the hotel and hang out together. We didn't want to overwhelm him with too much all at once. We enjoyed just sitting and playing toys. It's pretty amazing to sit back and watch my family gel together. Love them all so much!!

A new chapter begins...

After we arrived back at the hotel, we all had lots of fun playing together. Madden loved all of his new toys...especially his Pororo phone! We loved getting to know him better and he kept giving us lots of hugs and kisses, and big, huge belly laughs! Things were going along so well & I just couldn't believe he was adjusting to us so easily.

Tyler & I noticed that Mason really started to withdraw from all of us and sat quietly working on his Star Wars sticker book. Earlier, when Madden was playing, Mason said "I guess he's your new favorite, huh?" I told him that "I love all of my children so much. Nothing changes my love for each of you." We could tell that things weren't right and Tyler said "I think it has something to do with Miles." I agreed and carried Mason off to his bedroom to chat. As soon as I sat down with him he started sobbing about Miles. Seven years without his brother all came out at once. He sobbed that he didn't get to grow up with him, didn't get to play on a playground with him, didn't get to go to school with him. I sobbed with him because I 100% feel the same way. I wanted him to know that Madden didn't erase Miles. They are all my precious boys & I love all of my children so very, very much. He just laid next to me and snotted all over me. I held him close and let him talk about what life would have been like with Miles & we talked about what life will be like with Madden. Oh my goodness. That was so very hard to go through. I knew that there would be a day when he would grieve the loss of his twin brother...I just had no idea this would trigger it! After lots of tears, he went back out into the room and began to play with his little brother. (He's been SOOOOO much better after his meltdown. I just think he had to get it all out!)

We all enjoyed the evening together, ate bulgogi pizza from Pizza hut, and cuddled together and watched Tayo the bus with Madden. We kissed the older two kids and tucked them into bed and crawled in bed with Madden. He was doing ok when suddenly this low moan started. It was the most heartbreaking sound. The moan turned into a wail and he just lost it. He wanted to go home. He screamed out for his "Umma!" (and at that point I determined that I would now go by Mommy...it's just too confusing for him to have two Umma's at that point.) I rocked him and held him close and just cried with him. It was something that I knew would happen, but there's no way I was prepared for the deep, deep sadness that rose up within him. He eventually cried himself to sleep and then I laid there and cried. Watching both of my boys hearts break in the same evening just about did me in. I tossed and turned all night. Worried for everyone in my family. I prayed and prayed that we would come out of this unscathed. I prayed some more & finally fell asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up and stared into my precious new little boy's face & just sighed. He is such a perfect gift. We will get through this transition. Our family will weather this storm. Our Heavenly Father hasn't failed us yet & He will see us through this trial, too.

Our Family Day...

Friday was the day we were to go and pick up our little man. After filling out the adoption forms in Sept 2009, getting matched with him in November 2010...it was FINALLY time for him to be a forever part of our family.

Mason walked into our room that morning wiping tears out of his eyes. He said "I'm crying happy tears! I'm finally going to be a brother again!" (Which of course made me cry happy/sad tears, too!)

To say we were feeling nervous would be a huge understatement. We knew it was going to be a long, hard journey ahead of us. We also knew it was going to be an amazing, wonderful journey ahead of us. There were about a million different emotions we were feeling that day. I was more nervous on Friday than I was on Tuesday when we met him! We circled around as a family & held hands and prayed. We prayed for each of us during this new chapter in our lives. We sat out the various Pororo and Tayo gifts that we purchased for him on the table for him to see when he got back to the hotel. We sure had fun shopping for him!


We showed up at Eastern a little early & we were going to go to the guest house to see if any of my online adoption friends were there. We were surprised when we walked up the steps to see Madden standing there. He saw us and squealed and ran right over to us. It was amazing to see that he recognized us and was excited to see us!








We waited until our social worker showed up and led us up to the observation room to give us his pre-flight report and allowed us to spend a little more time with him and his foster family before we left with him. We all had fun playing together & Mason & Millie loved playing with his foster brother.






We were then led downstairs for prayer before we were taken back to our hotels. When the elevator doors opened, I saw my friend, Ashley standing there and I just lost it. I hugged her and we both cried. We knew our boys were giving so much up, we knew our foster moms were grieving, and we knew our futures were from that moment on forever changed. It was such a crazy, powerful mix of emotions that just started flooding. Then, Mrs. Kim started praying a prayer over the boys. I just stood there with my arm around our foster mom as she held Madden. I just kept wiping tears and just prayed that we would all somehow be ok. After the prayer ended, our foster mom walked around the corner with Madden, knelt down, hugged him and said her goodbyes. It was heartbreaking to watch. Madden's foster brother walked over and wiped my tears with his kleenex. It was soooo sweet how kind and caring he was for me, even though he was losing his little brother. We then were told to walk outside and to get inside the van. After climbing in, the social worker placed Madden in my arms, the foster mom climbed in and said a final goodbye, our friends did the same thing and then the van door shut and we drove off. I just kept hugging on him and wanted him to know that everything would be ok. He did great on the car ride to the hotel and we knew that a new chapter in the life of our family had just begun. In the van, Mason said "You're gonna be with us now, Madden!"

Someday I'll upload the video of the goodbye and prayers...today I'm not ready to watch that goodbye again.

Welcome to our family, Madden YeongJin Penn. We are so grateful we get to call you our son!